Okay, so I'm still on board w/ the whole Ironman thing. I've been extremely stressed out though. Extremely stressed about work, training and life in general. Is this what everyone goes through? I've cried so much lately because of the amount of stress I'm under. I got really upset at a workout because everyone took off riding without me. I was totally frustrated with my husband because I missed the "start" of the ride, I was cursing him for being so selfish, then I had a meltdown because two of my friends didn't even wait to ride w/ me. They just took off. Ironman training isn't about training with others, it's about getting in the time and distance. I don't know what's gotten into me. My bike cables broke on the ride, so I ended up riding short and running long. By the end of the run, I was bawling because I was just so sick of training all alone. I felt like I didn't have any friends or anyone that gave a shit about me. When I got to the car, Stephanie asked me what happened to my bike and I just snapped. I felt shitty all day long. Shitty for having a crappy workout, shitty for snapping at my friends and shitty for treating my husband the way that I did. Why have I been feeling sorry myself lately? I feel victimized for some reason....
Later in the week, William was having a rough morning, crying and crying - crawling under my feet and whining for me to hold him. I had to get ready for work, and the non-stop crying was driving me nuts. I actually shut myself in my bathroom to get away from him. That only made things worse, I hurt his little feelings. The crying continued and I continued to get more and more frustrated with him. I yelled for him to quit crying, when I did, it startled him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I will never forget what that looked like. William startled by my yelling. It breaks my heart when I think about it. Why has my patience left me? Why am I doing this? Why am I feeling like this? I love my son like nothing else in this entire world. I would die for him and here I am hurting him. I hurt his feelings. I finally realized what I had done so I picked him up and held him, rocked him, kissed and hugged him. I was upset because he was so upset. I just don't know if it's the training that's doing this to me - or is it the job?
I'm extremely busy at work, have been feeling completely overwhelmed lately. I've been working my butt off on this one promotion and just can't get all my other work done. I don't like to disappoint anyone by missing deadlines, but I'm barely keeping my head above water these days. I'm just all over the place right now. I have three big things in my life and I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at any of them.
I want to be a good mother, and wife. I want to enjoy my job and I want to complete an Ironman. Can it all be done? Can it happen with such a young baby? Can it happen without ruining my marriage? I feel like I'm a different person lately. I don't want to be this super stressed out, tired, bitchy woman. I want to enjoy life and do the right things. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should give up the IM dreams for now. If it's something that everyone goes through while training, then I'd rather finish it and not have to start over. If it's just a terrible time in my life - and it's unreasonable to do this, I don't want to sacrifice my marriage and my relationship with my son for an athletic event. I really wish I had the answer for this.
I'm about to buy a bike that is super expensive. Part of me is thinking that I shouldn't get it because there is still the possibility that I won't do the Ironman. I don't want to spend that money on something that may not get used for the initial reason behind the purchase. Although, I may feel more motivated to ride once I get the new bike. If I feel comfortable and powerful, I'll love to be on that bike!!
I'm in a state of confusion right now. I wish someone had the answsers for me.
Until then, good night.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Hell Week
It's week # 11 in the IM training program, we've been in Fredericksburg, TX for Hell Week. I've gone before for bike training only in the past we didn't have a baby with us. Needless to say, the training is pretty tough with a young one but couple that with staying in a hotel room for several days with him, it can be a challenge. He's bored with the lack of play area and I can't get a nap!!
I didn't enjoy myself this year at Hell Week, it probably had a lot to do with the challenges of being a wife and a mother and the intense training without any recovery time. I found myself doubting whether or not I even wanted to do the Ironman afterall. I was riding with my training partners / friends and they were really focused on the training. I on the other hand wanted to have some fun while training. When I've gone to HW before, we really did focus on fun and the training. I wasn't registered for an Ironman at the time, so maybe it was easier to have fun.
This year it was a different group of people. They had never been before, they didn't know the "rules" of riding in the Hill Country. You get in a lot of difficult miles, you ride at an easy pace. Day one of HW, we were at "race pace". It was ridiculous. I started getting aggrivated within the first 20 miles. I decided that I would drop back and try to enjoy the ride. Day 2 didn't get any better. Although we talked about riding easier, we didn't. AND the winds were hellacious. We had wind gusts of up to 35 miles. I literally felt like I was going to get blown off the road. I was again wondering why I was even out there when it was so unenjoyable. I stopped and rested on the side of the road for a few minutes. I had to collect my thoughts. As I sat there under a tree, I realized how beautiful the country was. It was a beautiful day despite the wind. Other cyclists rode by, asking if I was okay, and I was perfect! I decided to get back on the bike and make it to the rest stop. There I found my friends... of course they were "waiting to make sure I was okay".... geez. I don't need a mom out there. I just needed to collect my thoughts. I had decided under that tree that I was going to do these rides my way. I was going to ride nice and easy and just focus on the distance. We started riding back into town... I got dropped by my friends again so I stopped along the side of the road and called my husband to come pick me up. I know he was probably disappointed in me because he would have NEVER EVER done anything like that. When it comes to athleticism, he's a different breed. He agreed to come out to get me. I began pedaling again, my friends realized that I was pretty far behind them so they decided to stop and wait for me. As we continued to ride, I mentioned that I had called Brian. I did NOT mention that I had requested a pick-up! After fifteen minutes or so, I see my husband's car. Immediately, Harry tells me that in all the years of being at HW we had never SAG'ed in and we weren't going to start now! (it's good to have someone keep you in check, right?!) So I told Brian to go back into town, and I would ride in.
I don't know what was making the ride so tough - was it the wind? was it the one friend that kept talking about everything she knew? I mentioned that I was awake at 2 am because the baby woke up. She tells me she didn't sleep well either. It's hard for people without children to understand what it's like to take care of children. Take care of children 24/7 that is. You say that you're tired, they say "we're all tired". See, what they don't know is that after all that riding - your legs and back are pretty tired, you can't tell your one year old that you can't pick him up. You can't tell him that you need a nap. To your child and spouse, you've been gone for several hours and they're glad you're back. They don't want you to go to sleep, and honestly I would feel so selfish if I did go sleep. I missed them while I was gone. Part of me felt guilty that my husband had been taking care of LG for so long. I want to give him some relief.....
By day 3, my legs were tired, I was tired. We started the ride at a good pace but it wasn't long before I was riding solo. I just couldn't hold the pace. Once again, I found myself frustrated with riding, doubting myself and pretty much decided that Ironman was NOT for me. If I couldn't enjoy any of the training, then why was I doing it? Is it really worth the sacrifice of spending so much time away from my family? I decided to call my husband to come get me, this time I was going to get in the car! I didn't give a shit about what my friends thought or what my husband thought. I had made my mind up that it just isn't in the cards.
As he drove us back to the hotel, I verbalized all my frustrations. I said it out loud: I'm out. I'm not doing the Ironman. I just kept thinking about how hard the training is, how I'm not so good at triathlons anyways. I couldn't even keep up on these stupid training rides. Then all the negative thoughts just poured through my head. The same old crap: I'm just an average person - nothing special, average looks - need to drop some lbs, average everything. I never feel like I'm great at anything. I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't have a place. I don't have friends. I have friends, but not great friends. No friends that really understand me. As I was struggling in Fredericksburg, I once again found myself not fitting in. I have friends who are training for triathlons - but none with kids. I have friends who have kids that think I'm crazy for the amount of training I'm doing. I just wish there was one person that was in the same place as I am. That is facing some of the same difficulties I am - and that can shed some light on how to overcome some of these obstacles....
I mentioned that my husband, Brian is "wired differently". He's done the ironman eight times. Four of those were in Hawaii. So when I try to talk to him about how tough the training is, there's not much sympathy there. It's just different. He also coaches me, so really - the sympathy card doesn't come out too often! He did give me a little booster - he told me that when I cross the finish line, it will mean that much more. Knowing how much I've had to work for, how much to sacrifice... the reward would be so much sweeter. I thought about this for a couple of days, rested and enjoyed some much needed "me" time and some much needed quality time with LG. I guess this just goes to show how important the recovery time is.
I didn't enjoy myself this year at Hell Week, it probably had a lot to do with the challenges of being a wife and a mother and the intense training without any recovery time. I found myself doubting whether or not I even wanted to do the Ironman afterall. I was riding with my training partners / friends and they were really focused on the training. I on the other hand wanted to have some fun while training. When I've gone to HW before, we really did focus on fun and the training. I wasn't registered for an Ironman at the time, so maybe it was easier to have fun.
This year it was a different group of people. They had never been before, they didn't know the "rules" of riding in the Hill Country. You get in a lot of difficult miles, you ride at an easy pace. Day one of HW, we were at "race pace". It was ridiculous. I started getting aggrivated within the first 20 miles. I decided that I would drop back and try to enjoy the ride. Day 2 didn't get any better. Although we talked about riding easier, we didn't. AND the winds were hellacious. We had wind gusts of up to 35 miles. I literally felt like I was going to get blown off the road. I was again wondering why I was even out there when it was so unenjoyable. I stopped and rested on the side of the road for a few minutes. I had to collect my thoughts. As I sat there under a tree, I realized how beautiful the country was. It was a beautiful day despite the wind. Other cyclists rode by, asking if I was okay, and I was perfect! I decided to get back on the bike and make it to the rest stop. There I found my friends... of course they were "waiting to make sure I was okay".... geez. I don't need a mom out there. I just needed to collect my thoughts. I had decided under that tree that I was going to do these rides my way. I was going to ride nice and easy and just focus on the distance. We started riding back into town... I got dropped by my friends again so I stopped along the side of the road and called my husband to come pick me up. I know he was probably disappointed in me because he would have NEVER EVER done anything like that. When it comes to athleticism, he's a different breed. He agreed to come out to get me. I began pedaling again, my friends realized that I was pretty far behind them so they decided to stop and wait for me. As we continued to ride, I mentioned that I had called Brian. I did NOT mention that I had requested a pick-up! After fifteen minutes or so, I see my husband's car. Immediately, Harry tells me that in all the years of being at HW we had never SAG'ed in and we weren't going to start now! (it's good to have someone keep you in check, right?!) So I told Brian to go back into town, and I would ride in.
I don't know what was making the ride so tough - was it the wind? was it the one friend that kept talking about everything she knew? I mentioned that I was awake at 2 am because the baby woke up. She tells me she didn't sleep well either. It's hard for people without children to understand what it's like to take care of children. Take care of children 24/7 that is. You say that you're tired, they say "we're all tired". See, what they don't know is that after all that riding - your legs and back are pretty tired, you can't tell your one year old that you can't pick him up. You can't tell him that you need a nap. To your child and spouse, you've been gone for several hours and they're glad you're back. They don't want you to go to sleep, and honestly I would feel so selfish if I did go sleep. I missed them while I was gone. Part of me felt guilty that my husband had been taking care of LG for so long. I want to give him some relief.....
By day 3, my legs were tired, I was tired. We started the ride at a good pace but it wasn't long before I was riding solo. I just couldn't hold the pace. Once again, I found myself frustrated with riding, doubting myself and pretty much decided that Ironman was NOT for me. If I couldn't enjoy any of the training, then why was I doing it? Is it really worth the sacrifice of spending so much time away from my family? I decided to call my husband to come get me, this time I was going to get in the car! I didn't give a shit about what my friends thought or what my husband thought. I had made my mind up that it just isn't in the cards.
As he drove us back to the hotel, I verbalized all my frustrations. I said it out loud: I'm out. I'm not doing the Ironman. I just kept thinking about how hard the training is, how I'm not so good at triathlons anyways. I couldn't even keep up on these stupid training rides. Then all the negative thoughts just poured through my head. The same old crap: I'm just an average person - nothing special, average looks - need to drop some lbs, average everything. I never feel like I'm great at anything. I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't have a place. I don't have friends. I have friends, but not great friends. No friends that really understand me. As I was struggling in Fredericksburg, I once again found myself not fitting in. I have friends who are training for triathlons - but none with kids. I have friends who have kids that think I'm crazy for the amount of training I'm doing. I just wish there was one person that was in the same place as I am. That is facing some of the same difficulties I am - and that can shed some light on how to overcome some of these obstacles....
I mentioned that my husband, Brian is "wired differently". He's done the ironman eight times. Four of those were in Hawaii. So when I try to talk to him about how tough the training is, there's not much sympathy there. It's just different. He also coaches me, so really - the sympathy card doesn't come out too often! He did give me a little booster - he told me that when I cross the finish line, it will mean that much more. Knowing how much I've had to work for, how much to sacrifice... the reward would be so much sweeter. I thought about this for a couple of days, rested and enjoyed some much needed "me" time and some much needed quality time with LG. I guess this just goes to show how important the recovery time is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
