Motivation
Where has it gone? I'm having a really hard time with motivation these days. I am bummed that I'm not doing Ironman and I feel like I don't have anything to train for. My friends are all training hard for the race and I'm out. I'm not a part of the whole thing anymore. I don't have a place. We spent the Memorial Day weekend in Mena, Arkansas training. Well, the Ironman people were training while I was just trying to get in some good workouts. Of course I didn't ride even half as long as anyone else... and I just felt like a loser. A quitter.
It's been a rough few weeks - with the bike wreck and having to drop out of the race that I've been training for so long for... then my Mom having a stroke... and I just have a lot of stress. When stressful things happen, I start thinking that everything in my life is jacked up. I question whether or not I have a solid marriage, I wonder if my husband still loves me, I think that I'm fat and ugly and out of shape and I don't think I'm a good mother. This was all going on in Arkansas - I didn't really have a good time because I'm in a funky place right now. I feel like I don't really have any friends. I need to find friends with kids that I can hang out with - that can understand the challenges of motherhood. The thing about Arkansas is that we brought William with us and the car trip was long. It's really hard on the little guy to sit in a car seat for 5 hours. I try to entertain him and I hold him and play with him... and that's really hard too. Then you don't really get much rest in a hotel room with a baby... and you have to get up a the ass-crack of dawn to train. When will we learn? We just can't keep doing this. We experienced this same thing in Fredericksburg. Nobody understands the difficulty of a long drive - no sleep and tough workouts. And don't even think about a nap.
This is where the frustration lies.... we spend all our holiday weekends and vacation time training - or trying to train. When can we just be normal and have fun? Don't get me wrong, I like riding my bike and swimming and running - but I want to enjoy it again. I want to have fun while training, right now it's a chore. It's work. I work to earn money for my family and so that I can enjoy my time off. When my time off feels like work - there's a problem. Unfortunately, this past trip was a lot of work. We (Brian and I) were the SAG wagon for the training group. The group had a 100 mile ride in the Oachita mountains and there are no stores to rehydrate / refuel. We loaded up the car with water, gatorade, food and everyone's "special needs"... As everyone rode, we would pull over and let them fill up and eat, etc. Literally for the entire 6.5 hours of the ride. There was one point when I had to go put gas in the car... it was a bit of a drive and once I got to the small town, I had to let William get out of the car and stretch his legs, etc. By the time I started heading back up the mountain my phone was ringing.... people needed fluids. I was racing to get to everyone, and once I did - they were almost frustrated that they had to wait on me. I heard over and over "I'm out of water, totally out". I felt bad that they ran out - but geez, I had to get gas, take care of my son and everyone was pretty spread out along the ride. It's a thankless job - and what was I getting out of it? Did anyone think that it was enjoyable to be in the car for that long? With a small child? Was there any benefit what-so-ever for me to be doing this for them? Not that everything has to benefit me, but this was a very selfless act.
I want a vacation. A full on vacation where I can lay on the beach and read and be lazy - and have normal tan lines! I want to have fun again... this is the exact same feeling I had when we came home from Hell Week. Maybe this time I'll learn - it would be best to just stay home.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Bad joo-joo.
So it looks like this is not the year for my inaugural ironman.... last weekend while on a training ride I had a little bike accident. I took a fall and hit my head. I had a pretty bad concussion. I don't remember a thing from the accident. I really don't remember anything from the day at all. I woke up in the Emergency Room at Baylor Hospital. Apparently I was unconscious for a short period of time, but the time I was conscious, I can't remember.
I was having problems that day with my bike seat. My seat post kept sliding down into the frame. It was weird because in my previous training rides, I kept adjusting my seat because I felt like it was too low. I would ride and by the time I finished, I would think to myself "maybe I didn't raise it enough". So before I rode it again, I would raise it up higher... and it would drop down again. It wasn't until last weekend that I actually realized it was a problem with my bike.
There was a pretty big group of us riding together - the Ironman group was planning on riding 80 miles then running afterwards. I was a little upset with my seat situtaion so Brian and I pulled off the group and went to find a hardware store. We needed to find a bolt to keep my seat post from dropping down. We repaired my bike and I went to find the group while Brian started to ride home to let the babysitter go. He turned around to check on me and that's when it happened. He said he thought I was adjusting my shoe or something, and I just crashed. I don't know how fast I was going, I don't know if I hit something that made me lose my balance... who knows. He raced over to take care of me... he said I was bleeding pretty bad so he called 9-1-1 for an ambulance.
My friends that I was riding towards came up to the scene of the accident. From what I was told, it didn't look good. The paramedics loaded me up and off we went. I was in the hospital all day. I didn't have much memory of anything so we weren't able to go home until that started coming back. Poor Brian, he said I asked him the same questions every 20 minutes. Talk about freaky, right? I got 14 stitches in my head and got banged up on the left side of my body. I got a little road rash, but nothing compared to the head injury.
I was feeling dizzy all last week - each day did improve a bit... Monday I was feeling loopy and dizzy and couldn't concentrate much... by Thursday and Friday I was feeling better - but still not 100%. I went to see a neurologist on Thursday morning and he recommended that I stay off my bike and out of the pool for about six weeks. I was a little heart broken because the Ironman is in seven weeks and the most intense training is upon us.... The doctor said that where I suffered the hit was a sensitive place on my head... he explained that I didn't get a concussion like Troy Aikman gets a concussion, but more serious. He said that there is a possibility of having a seizure when I become fatigued. I decided then and there that I would look for a second opinion. I really wanted to do the race.
It was this last weekend that really made me change my mind. After thinking about the race and my training and the handful of mishaps I've had along the road, I decided it would be best to put off the Ironman dream until next year. It just seems like I've had some strange things come up that are telling me "don't do this, Adrian". The thing too is that I'm a mother now. It's not just about me anymore. I've got a son that needs me way more than I need to do an Iroman. Plus, if I found a doctor to give me the second opinion that I want to hear, I still have the one opinion telling me not to do it. SO, what's the point, right?
I filled out the official "withdrawal form" from Ironman North America. I felt my heart drop in my stomach when the confirmation code came up on my computer screen. It feels so disappointing to have to pull out. I need to take this feeling and remember it. I need to use it as fuel for my training in the future. It feels like I just DNF'd a huge race. I need to use this to motivate me. I don't want this feeling again!
Since I made the decision, I feel like the pressure is off. I feel like I can enjoy my training again and not worry about how I'm going to get through the tough weekends ahead. I am going to pick some races and set some new goals for the year just so I stay motivated to train and stay in shape. I really want to find the passion in my training and racing again... if I feel confident in my fitness and can compete in a few of the shorter local races this will set me up for a better training experience next year. I feel like I would have done the Ironman this year and I would have been proud to cross the finish line but I also felt that I was a little ambitious coming straight from having a baby to completing an Ironman just over a year later. At least the next time around I'll have more time to build my base and get my strengths back in the areas that really need help!
So - I guess for this year I will not be an Ironman.
So it looks like this is not the year for my inaugural ironman.... last weekend while on a training ride I had a little bike accident. I took a fall and hit my head. I had a pretty bad concussion. I don't remember a thing from the accident. I really don't remember anything from the day at all. I woke up in the Emergency Room at Baylor Hospital. Apparently I was unconscious for a short period of time, but the time I was conscious, I can't remember.
I was having problems that day with my bike seat. My seat post kept sliding down into the frame. It was weird because in my previous training rides, I kept adjusting my seat because I felt like it was too low. I would ride and by the time I finished, I would think to myself "maybe I didn't raise it enough". So before I rode it again, I would raise it up higher... and it would drop down again. It wasn't until last weekend that I actually realized it was a problem with my bike.
There was a pretty big group of us riding together - the Ironman group was planning on riding 80 miles then running afterwards. I was a little upset with my seat situtaion so Brian and I pulled off the group and went to find a hardware store. We needed to find a bolt to keep my seat post from dropping down. We repaired my bike and I went to find the group while Brian started to ride home to let the babysitter go. He turned around to check on me and that's when it happened. He said he thought I was adjusting my shoe or something, and I just crashed. I don't know how fast I was going, I don't know if I hit something that made me lose my balance... who knows. He raced over to take care of me... he said I was bleeding pretty bad so he called 9-1-1 for an ambulance.
My friends that I was riding towards came up to the scene of the accident. From what I was told, it didn't look good. The paramedics loaded me up and off we went. I was in the hospital all day. I didn't have much memory of anything so we weren't able to go home until that started coming back. Poor Brian, he said I asked him the same questions every 20 minutes. Talk about freaky, right? I got 14 stitches in my head and got banged up on the left side of my body. I got a little road rash, but nothing compared to the head injury.
I was feeling dizzy all last week - each day did improve a bit... Monday I was feeling loopy and dizzy and couldn't concentrate much... by Thursday and Friday I was feeling better - but still not 100%. I went to see a neurologist on Thursday morning and he recommended that I stay off my bike and out of the pool for about six weeks. I was a little heart broken because the Ironman is in seven weeks and the most intense training is upon us.... The doctor said that where I suffered the hit was a sensitive place on my head... he explained that I didn't get a concussion like Troy Aikman gets a concussion, but more serious. He said that there is a possibility of having a seizure when I become fatigued. I decided then and there that I would look for a second opinion. I really wanted to do the race.
It was this last weekend that really made me change my mind. After thinking about the race and my training and the handful of mishaps I've had along the road, I decided it would be best to put off the Ironman dream until next year. It just seems like I've had some strange things come up that are telling me "don't do this, Adrian". The thing too is that I'm a mother now. It's not just about me anymore. I've got a son that needs me way more than I need to do an Iroman. Plus, if I found a doctor to give me the second opinion that I want to hear, I still have the one opinion telling me not to do it. SO, what's the point, right?
I filled out the official "withdrawal form" from Ironman North America. I felt my heart drop in my stomach when the confirmation code came up on my computer screen. It feels so disappointing to have to pull out. I need to take this feeling and remember it. I need to use it as fuel for my training in the future. It feels like I just DNF'd a huge race. I need to use this to motivate me. I don't want this feeling again!
Since I made the decision, I feel like the pressure is off. I feel like I can enjoy my training again and not worry about how I'm going to get through the tough weekends ahead. I am going to pick some races and set some new goals for the year just so I stay motivated to train and stay in shape. I really want to find the passion in my training and racing again... if I feel confident in my fitness and can compete in a few of the shorter local races this will set me up for a better training experience next year. I feel like I would have done the Ironman this year and I would have been proud to cross the finish line but I also felt that I was a little ambitious coming straight from having a baby to completing an Ironman just over a year later. At least the next time around I'll have more time to build my base and get my strengths back in the areas that really need help!
So - I guess for this year I will not be an Ironman.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
SOooooooooooooooooooo SOoooooo Tired.
Damn, what's a girl got to do to get some sleep, people? I didn't sleep well last night because my throat was hurting so badly. I was coughing up lung biscuits all night = yummy. The night before, some dumb-ass dog was barking up a storm. I think it must belong to our neighbors. The dirty ones.
Anyway, I'm still doing this whole training thing and sleep is MOST IMPORTANT. I can barely keep my eyes open right now - which is not a good thing because I'm working. Or I'm at work, blogging. There must be something crazy in the air because my allergies are kicked up into high gear. I took the normal Flonase this morning, had to follow up with some Claritin right before lunch because my ears were itching so bad. Not to mention my eyes were burning and nose was running. I thought it could be from sitting in the hot tub at the gym last night (the chemicals were making my eyes water). The itchy head makes me think otherwise....
So this month is going to be the most intense month of training. I've got to make sure I don't miss any workouts and I don't cut any of them short. We've got one month of hard core training as we approach our peak weekend (Memorial Day). This is going to be the true test! This weekend we're doing an OWS then we'll do a long brick Saturday morning (80+ then run 45 minutes) followed by a 15 miler on Sunday. WOO HOO!! Mama's going to be T-I-R-E-D after all that.
I hope we can find a babysitter for the weekend. I'd like for Brian to be able to workout with us / coach us. Plus, I think he needs to get out of the house! He's been so incredible these last few months. He not only has been a great coach, but an amazing father and husband. Just this morning he left me the sweetest message on my mobile phone telling me how proud he was that I was getting up super early to go do my workouts, then take all my crap to the gym to get ready for work... then come home and be a mom. It really helps to hear him say that. Sometimes I think that I'm just out here doing this crazy training and nobody understands how tough it is with a baby. BUT, he understands. He is going through his own difficult time right now. I know it's hard for him to sit back while I'm training. Not just sit back, but watch our son while I'm gone too. I knew he'd be a great father, but I had no idea just how great. I'm so lucky to have him as a husband, coach and best friend.
There probably aren't a lot of husbands that would do what he's doing. Just last weekend during a training ride, a friend was talking about how he gets the feeling from his wife that "he's leaving again??" - where my situation at home is completely different. Brian is like "hey babe, you gonna go do that workout today?". He knows what it takes to train for this kind of event... I do have feelings of guilt for leaving Brian at home w/ the baby... but since he knows what it takes, he doesn't complain at all. I'm very glad that I don't have to deal with a spouse giving me grief for being gone all those hours on the weekend riding my bike.
It's these things that I really need to remind myself of - how lucky I am to have a loving husband and child. How fortunate I am to be physically capable of running and riding my bike... I need to look at this way more than looking at my speed / my time... I just bought and started reading the Triathlete's Guide to Mental Training. If anything keeps me from succeeding, it's my own mind. I hope I can put some of the content to good use, and I hope that I can read it all before the big race.
Damn, what's a girl got to do to get some sleep, people? I didn't sleep well last night because my throat was hurting so badly. I was coughing up lung biscuits all night = yummy. The night before, some dumb-ass dog was barking up a storm. I think it must belong to our neighbors. The dirty ones.
Anyway, I'm still doing this whole training thing and sleep is MOST IMPORTANT. I can barely keep my eyes open right now - which is not a good thing because I'm working. Or I'm at work, blogging. There must be something crazy in the air because my allergies are kicked up into high gear. I took the normal Flonase this morning, had to follow up with some Claritin right before lunch because my ears were itching so bad. Not to mention my eyes were burning and nose was running. I thought it could be from sitting in the hot tub at the gym last night (the chemicals were making my eyes water). The itchy head makes me think otherwise....
So this month is going to be the most intense month of training. I've got to make sure I don't miss any workouts and I don't cut any of them short. We've got one month of hard core training as we approach our peak weekend (Memorial Day). This is going to be the true test! This weekend we're doing an OWS then we'll do a long brick Saturday morning (80+ then run 45 minutes) followed by a 15 miler on Sunday. WOO HOO!! Mama's going to be T-I-R-E-D after all that.
I hope we can find a babysitter for the weekend. I'd like for Brian to be able to workout with us / coach us. Plus, I think he needs to get out of the house! He's been so incredible these last few months. He not only has been a great coach, but an amazing father and husband. Just this morning he left me the sweetest message on my mobile phone telling me how proud he was that I was getting up super early to go do my workouts, then take all my crap to the gym to get ready for work... then come home and be a mom. It really helps to hear him say that. Sometimes I think that I'm just out here doing this crazy training and nobody understands how tough it is with a baby. BUT, he understands. He is going through his own difficult time right now. I know it's hard for him to sit back while I'm training. Not just sit back, but watch our son while I'm gone too. I knew he'd be a great father, but I had no idea just how great. I'm so lucky to have him as a husband, coach and best friend.
There probably aren't a lot of husbands that would do what he's doing. Just last weekend during a training ride, a friend was talking about how he gets the feeling from his wife that "he's leaving again??" - where my situation at home is completely different. Brian is like "hey babe, you gonna go do that workout today?". He knows what it takes to train for this kind of event... I do have feelings of guilt for leaving Brian at home w/ the baby... but since he knows what it takes, he doesn't complain at all. I'm very glad that I don't have to deal with a spouse giving me grief for being gone all those hours on the weekend riding my bike.
It's these things that I really need to remind myself of - how lucky I am to have a loving husband and child. How fortunate I am to be physically capable of running and riding my bike... I need to look at this way more than looking at my speed / my time... I just bought and started reading the Triathlete's Guide to Mental Training. If anything keeps me from succeeding, it's my own mind. I hope I can put some of the content to good use, and I hope that I can read it all before the big race.
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