Motivation

Where has it gone? I'm having a really hard time with motivation these days. I am bummed that I'm not doing Ironman and I feel like I don't have anything to train for. My friends are all training hard for the race and I'm out. I'm not a part of the whole thing anymore. I don't have a place. We spent the Memorial Day weekend in Mena, Arkansas training. Well, the Ironman people were training while I was just trying to get in some good workouts. Of course I didn't ride even half as long as anyone else... and I just felt like a loser. A quitter.

It's been a rough few weeks - with the bike wreck and having to drop out of the race that I've been training for so long for... then my Mom having a stroke... and I just have a lot of stress. When stressful things happen, I start thinking that everything in my life is jacked up. I question whether or not I have a solid marriage, I wonder if my husband still loves me, I think that I'm fat and ugly and out of shape and I don't think I'm a good mother. This was all going on in Arkansas - I didn't really have a good time because I'm in a funky place right now. I feel like I don't really have any friends. I need to find friends with kids that I can hang out with - that can understand the challenges of motherhood. The thing about Arkansas is that we brought William with us and the car trip was long. It's really hard on the little guy to sit in a car seat for 5 hours. I try to entertain him and I hold him and play with him... and that's really hard too. Then you don't really get much rest in a hotel room with a baby... and you have to get up a the ass-crack of dawn to train. When will we learn? We just can't keep doing this. We experienced this same thing in Fredericksburg. Nobody understands the difficulty of a long drive - no sleep and tough workouts. And don't even think about a nap.

This is where the frustration lies.... we spend all our holiday weekends and vacation time training - or trying to train. When can we just be normal and have fun? Don't get me wrong, I like riding my bike and swimming and running - but I want to enjoy it again. I want to have fun while training, right now it's a chore. It's work. I work to earn money for my family and so that I can enjoy my time off. When my time off feels like work - there's a problem. Unfortunately, this past trip was a lot of work. We (Brian and I) were the SAG wagon for the training group. The group had a 100 mile ride in the Oachita mountains and there are no stores to rehydrate / refuel. We loaded up the car with water, gatorade, food and everyone's "special needs"... As everyone rode, we would pull over and let them fill up and eat, etc. Literally for the entire 6.5 hours of the ride. There was one point when I had to go put gas in the car... it was a bit of a drive and once I got to the small town, I had to let William get out of the car and stretch his legs, etc. By the time I started heading back up the mountain my phone was ringing.... people needed fluids. I was racing to get to everyone, and once I did - they were almost frustrated that they had to wait on me. I heard over and over "I'm out of water, totally out". I felt bad that they ran out - but geez, I had to get gas, take care of my son and everyone was pretty spread out along the ride. It's a thankless job - and what was I getting out of it? Did anyone think that it was enjoyable to be in the car for that long? With a small child? Was there any benefit what-so-ever for me to be doing this for them? Not that everything has to benefit me, but this was a very selfless act.

I want a vacation. A full on vacation where I can lay on the beach and read and be lazy - and have normal tan lines! I want to have fun again... this is the exact same feeling I had when we came home from Hell Week. Maybe this time I'll learn - it would be best to just stay home.