Okay, so I'm still on board w/ the whole Ironman thing. I've been extremely stressed out though. Extremely stressed about work, training and life in general. Is this what everyone goes through? I've cried so much lately because of the amount of stress I'm under. I got really upset at a workout because everyone took off riding without me. I was totally frustrated with my husband because I missed the "start" of the ride, I was cursing him for being so selfish, then I had a meltdown because two of my friends didn't even wait to ride w/ me. They just took off. Ironman training isn't about training with others, it's about getting in the time and distance. I don't know what's gotten into me. My bike cables broke on the ride, so I ended up riding short and running long. By the end of the run, I was bawling because I was just so sick of training all alone. I felt like I didn't have any friends or anyone that gave a shit about me. When I got to the car, Stephanie asked me what happened to my bike and I just snapped. I felt shitty all day long. Shitty for having a crappy workout, shitty for snapping at my friends and shitty for treating my husband the way that I did. Why have I been feeling sorry myself lately? I feel victimized for some reason....

Later in the week, William was having a rough morning, crying and crying - crawling under my feet and whining for me to hold him. I had to get ready for work, and the non-stop crying was driving me nuts. I actually shut myself in my bathroom to get away from him. That only made things worse, I hurt his little feelings. The crying continued and I continued to get more and more frustrated with him. I yelled for him to quit crying, when I did, it startled him. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I will never forget what that looked like. William startled by my yelling. It breaks my heart when I think about it. Why has my patience left me? Why am I doing this? Why am I feeling like this? I love my son like nothing else in this entire world. I would die for him and here I am hurting him. I hurt his feelings. I finally realized what I had done so I picked him up and held him, rocked him, kissed and hugged him. I was upset because he was so upset. I just don't know if it's the training that's doing this to me - or is it the job?

I'm extremely busy at work, have been feeling completely overwhelmed lately. I've been working my butt off on this one promotion and just can't get all my other work done. I don't like to disappoint anyone by missing deadlines, but I'm barely keeping my head above water these days. I'm just all over the place right now. I have three big things in my life and I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at any of them.

I want to be a good mother, and wife. I want to enjoy my job and I want to complete an Ironman. Can it all be done? Can it happen with such a young baby? Can it happen without ruining my marriage? I feel like I'm a different person lately. I don't want to be this super stressed out, tired, bitchy woman. I want to enjoy life and do the right things. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should give up the IM dreams for now. If it's something that everyone goes through while training, then I'd rather finish it and not have to start over. If it's just a terrible time in my life - and it's unreasonable to do this, I don't want to sacrifice my marriage and my relationship with my son for an athletic event. I really wish I had the answer for this.

I'm about to buy a bike that is super expensive. Part of me is thinking that I shouldn't get it because there is still the possibility that I won't do the Ironman. I don't want to spend that money on something that may not get used for the initial reason behind the purchase. Although, I may feel more motivated to ride once I get the new bike. If I feel comfortable and powerful, I'll love to be on that bike!!

I'm in a state of confusion right now. I wish someone had the answsers for me.

Until then, good night.