Feeling Funky.

I'm so tired and I feel so crappy and sad. I went to track this morning, tried to run - but my legs are just beat. I'm beat. I'm the only one out there that is struggling to put one foot in front of the other. And don't even talk about doing any kind of "speed work". Yeah, right. I couldn't even get around the track once without stopping, walking and thinking about leaving. I tried to pull it together for my first 400. Nope, nothing. I stopped, walked and thought about quitting.

Finally, I pulled it together enough to run an easy few miles.... the rest of the gang was doing the scheduled workout. I kept thinking "how are they doing that?" My legs just weren't doing it for me today. I hate days like this because I feel like such a loser and I start doubting myself and my abilities. I wonder how the hell am I ever going to get to that finish line? I also think about how the training must be soooo much easier for others - and I also start thinking about how I'm probably going to be the last person in our group to finish and I'm going to be bummed about it. Why do I even care though? Because I know others care about it? I'm sure they're thinking how they're going to beat me. And why? Why does it matter who you beat in the Ironman? Why do I think about this shit? Why do I hear people talking about how they finished first or whatever in a bike rally and I crack up. I mean, honestly - who the hell cares?

Maybe I just wish I had a little streak of competitiveness in my blood. I wish something like that would motivate me to train harder - but it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I'm older - and I used to be faster, but I'm not that concerned about it anymore. I just want to finish this damn race! I just want to have the strength to pick up my little boy afterwards and give him a big ol' hug and kiss and tell him that Momma missed him all day!!

I just need something that makes me feel good about all this training. What makes me feel good about it? I'm so tired that I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat today. I just don't feel so good about myself. I know that I'm worn out when every little thing about myself starts to bug me. I was getting ready for work this morning and was thinking that I need to color my hair. Need to get cuter clothes, need new shoes, need new makeup.... I just look at myself and think I'm not very attractive. Other days I don't feel this way at all. Other days I think "Damn, you look good for being a mom!!" Not today though. I'm just beat down and worn out!

Ahhhhh, the life of Ironman training.